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The Vanilla Gorilla

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fuck it. [22 Sep 2004|12:29am]
[ mood | pissed off ]

everything sucks, nuff said.

spill yer guts

Summer time... [31 Aug 2004|01:30am]
[ mood | nervous ]

Its over :( Its been a great summer, I'm looking forward to next year, my last year of high school! Its been a pretty good three years, I've met some great people, now I just have to finish this year out and I move off to go start real life. Thats sort of scary and exciting at the same time. I think this will be the most interesting year of HS so far, I dont know why but something tells me this year will be different. I feel like a totally different person going into this year than I felt going into junior year, I wonder who I will hang out with this year, most of my friends are gone and a lot of kids I knew last year arent there anymore. Im sort of nervous to start, its also going to be wierd having Robbie and Alex gone for a lot of the time, I really hope we will stay in touch. I get my car in December, thats pretty cool, I just hope its a good one. Its wierd, I really cant wait to read this post in a year, there is so much stuff I am anxious to see actually resolved, one issue in particular that been on my mind for a veerrrrrry long time.

spill yer guts

work is no fun... [30 Jun 2004|12:18am]
[ mood | SOOOOO TIRED ]

I've been up for nearly 36 consecutive hours. Have you ever been so tired you get really paranoid? Im looking over my shoulder like every 2 seconds.

1 thought| spill yer guts

Hic et nunc, de profundis, veritas vos liberabit... [13 Jun 2004|03:04am]
[ mood | indescribable ]

"You keep me waiting
You keep me alone in a room full of friends
You keep me hating
You keep me listening to the Bends

No amount of pointless days
Can make this go away

You have me on my knees
You have me listless and deranged
You have me in your pocket
You have me distant and estranged

No narcotics in my brain
Can make this go away

I'm sorry that, I'm sorry that I'm not like you
I worry that I don't act the way you'd like me to

You find me wanting
You find me bloodless but inspired
You find me out
You find me hallucinating fire

No narcotics in my brain
Can make this go away

Have we ever been here before?
Running headlong at the floor
Leave me dreaming on a railway track
Wrap me up and send me back"


My purpose is clear, my intentions are true. I found what I was looking for, however it isn't in you. You meander through life, unwilling to bear what befalls you. The weight on your shoulders always shared by your friends, apathetically you seek new dangers, without as much as glancing backward to see the trail of misery you left in your wake. Onward and onward we march into our own demise, like mindless toy soldiers, unable to stop until our cranks finally unwind. My own time on this planet is too precious to waste any longer. My path, once foggy, has been lit by the blazing sun. My chemical romance, once occasional, had blossomed into a full fledged marriage. My mind could not withstand these conditions much longer, and I feared what I had become. Yet, on the brink of my own demise I found my long lost sense of self. I wont be the same man, I wont be the same abuser. I throw myself into my own fate, once and for all, fearless of what may happen.

The abyss of the human psyche can only be matched by the indefinitely deep universe. What secrets can be unveiled once the restrictions of conventional human thought are lifted? Like a great theater curtain, a beautiful scenery comes alive behind the veil of confusion. The pandemonium of space and time divulged to the viewer. Now as a one becomes more aware, one also becomes more confused. How can we set moral precepts for others when we cant even truly read our own sense of right or wrong? We fancy ourselves as romantic creatures because it helps establish a sense of amour with our fellow mates, but are we really motivated by love? Or is love really just the name given to the inherent desire for carnal satisfaction which affects all of us? After all we are merely of flesh and blood. What of love? Love exists only between the areas of lust and like. Distinguishing the line between those emotions is nearly as tough as walking the razors edge. My head grows heavy with all the knowledge imparted onto me. Unsure and unready, I plunged into my journey, my spiritual expedition, however I would not have taken it any other way. Chaos has a way of arranging itself into a gorgeous symphony, and ourselves, as beings formed from chaos, sit idly and watch as the cosmic chips fall into place. Life is the greatest game of chance ever conceived. What of God's plan you say? What of our great creator? If a God exists and has a plan for each of us how can we have free will? Every choice we ever will face has already been determined, we just unconsciously choose it. I laugh at the fact that anyone can believe this, we feel in our hearts that we can choose both options, anyone who denies that is simply a liar. I simply can't believe a deity so powerful would plan so many menial paths. No, I refuse that theory. I choose my own life, I choose life or death. Many people find this approach cold, however I find it tremendously beautiful. Chaos in its purest form is the night sky above us, and I lie in the grass staring upward at the greatest coincidence ever to be. We are all here by accident so why not enjoy our luck? Stop being so god damned pretentious, stop believing that you are really so much better than anything else, we are the same rotting organic matter as everything else on this planet, this spinning rock in the middle of a vast chasm of nothing. Go outside, follow your heart, never look upward for answers, the truth lies within. I sit here babbling into this journal, mostly forgetful of what I typed in the previous sentence, so I feel it is time I concluded this. I hope that I in someway have at least inspired a shred of something thought provoking inside you, as it would do us all a little good to think more.

2 thoughts| spill yer guts

Meh [01 May 2004|05:34pm]
[ mood | bored ]

I had to walk from Aarons house to the landing last night, it was like a 20 minute walk and it was gay. All I did was watch Kill Bill and hang out with Marcus and Aaron, pretty lame. Just bored and updating.

2 thoughts| spill yer guts

HOLY CRAP [27 Apr 2004|01:14am]
[ mood | relieved ]

IM FUCKING FINISHED, OH MY GOD YES!!! W00t! 10 pages in one night, how much do I rock. I wrote 10 fuckin pages on brown trout in one night. Ahhhhh. Sorry just had to give you all the complete feeling of relief im getting right now. Yawn, time for sleep.

spill yer guts

So much work ahead... [26 Apr 2004|06:30pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

I have to do my whole bio thing tonight cause I put it off like I do with everything. Nothing much going on right now, just feel like life exists on the weekends and everything inbetween is just filler. Oh, and I have to take freshman english again in summer school...as a junior. Fuck school.
"If you claiming gangsta then bang on the system and show that you ready to ride--till we get our freedom, we've got to get over, we steady on the grind." This is a pretty good song, Dead Prez is cool.

1 thought| spill yer guts

Sweatpants are the best invention ever... [20 Apr 2004|01:30am]
[ mood | chipper ]

Soooooooooo comfortable. I ate ego waffles today, needless to say they were freaking awesome. Today (err yesterday) was the first day back from spring break. LAME. Hmm, spring break wasnt that great though, I pretty much just saw some movies with Colin and Robby and went to dinner at some different places. Me and Colin saw Kill Bill Vol.2 with these girls on Saturday, it was so cool. I also saw the Angelina Jolie flick, Taking Lives, it blew hardcore. Today was pretty boring, new seats in English which is ok cause I hate that class, Spanish was boring as usual, and then I had Bio which was just stupid STAR testing. Those things are retarded, I bubbled in half random crap then fell asleep and when I woke up I had a huge imprint of my sleeve on my forehead. This kid came in and sat next to me for testing and I'd never seen him around until he spoke and he had the craziest accent, I just wanted to like jump up and be like "HOLY CRAP YOU'RE FOREIGN!!" That would have been crappy for him though so I didnt do it. Michelle borrowed my Bio book and crossed out where this kid wrote OH CRUNK and wrote "never again", that made me sad because I like saying O crunk! I dont think im going to coachella now, just turned out to be way too much cash and got really complicated. Maybe next year. Kristie is my IM buddy and stays up late just to get the joy of reading every word I type :D

1 thought| spill yer guts

Evil woman, how you done me wrong... [07 Apr 2004|12:19am]
[ mood | Singing! ]

ELO is so freaking good. If you don't know about the Electric Light Orchestra you are retarded or something cause they just rock your socks right off. Not much goin down but I got myself un-grounded w000000000t!!! Just bored and figured I needed an update, oh and the SAT's are stupid and suck, thanks.

1 thought| spill yer guts

Lost in thought [27 Mar 2004|03:37pm]
[ mood | lethargic ]

Sorry for the lack of updates. I don't even know how many people really read this anyhow but at least I can talk to myself lol. Stuff is going pretty good right now with the whole police thing, I think it will all work out pretty good. Still grounded though, that sucks. I took the SAT's today and I got fucked over by the math section, those bastards. O well I will probably have to take it again, along with SAT II's and the ACT. Kristie is coming down next week and thats rad, I'm stoked to see her. I need to get some sort of portable music player, I really REALLY want an iPod but they are damn pricey, but I need something for school cause I have to much free time with nothing to do in class. I think I'm going to the Coachella Valley Music Festival with Colin and this kid named Jesse, I want to get Robby to come too. That should be way fun though, we are going to camp out there between days. Flaming Lips, Radiohead, Crystal Method, Laurent Garnier, Mark Farina, The Cure, Hieroglyphics, Living Legends, the list goes on and on, it will be fucking incredible. Pretty bored here at home, I have been playing tons of games to pass the time plus I have been working on guitar a little here and there. Got some new tunes and I have to say if you like somber and sad music Opeth's CD Damnation is really good. Funeral for a Friend's album, Seven Ways To Scream Your Name is also pretty good, better than Casually Dressed which is their other one. I have been trying really hard to get some new Dream Theater stuff on here, also Spock's Beard, and the String Cheese Incident. Since I'm REALLY bored I'll go on my little music speech here. If you dig metal you have to hear Arch Enemy's two newest CD's, they used to be only ok but now they have this girl singer (Angela Glassgow I think is her name) and she can scream so incredibly. In Flames is still always good and I have to say Reroute to Remain is my favorite album of theirs, some people say it strays from the Gothenburg sound but I think it just puts some new flavor on it. At the Gates is still the paradigm band for that though, Soilwork pulls it off real well too. I have taken the last month to get back into metal for myself. I took quite a long time getting into electronica and its sub-genres and I'm starting to really feel like I have a better sense of what I am listening to. The rap still gets played when I'm in a funny mood or I'll play some underground rap when I really want to listen to it seriously but I've been a rocker as of late. Hmm I should do a whole write up of new good music for this thing, perhaps when I'm not so lazy. O well I've probably thoroughly bored all of you now, so toodles.

1 thought| spill yer guts

I wanna get off this ride now... [15 Mar 2004|07:28pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

Still need to talk with detectives to see whats going on. I don't exactly know how I'm going to handle this. Things just keep slipping away and I keep falling back into the hole I crawled back out of so many times. It feels like I dont want to get out anymore...

1 thought| spill yer guts

Handcuffs are uncomfortable... [13 Mar 2004|05:23pm]
[ mood | drained ]

So last night I got a free ride to the Ventura County Sheriffs dept. handcuffed in the back of a sheriffs car. I'm now possibly looking at assault with a deadly weapon and brandishing a gun. Unfortunately I can't go into detail on here about anything because my lawyer advised me not to disclose any information. Needless to say last night wasn't fun, and the benches inside detention cells aren't comfy. I'll update more on the situation if I can but I can't make any promises.

2 thoughts| spill yer guts

Hmmm... [11 Mar 2004|03:38pm]
[ mood | complacent ]

I just had to call my guitar teacher and tell him I'm stopping lessons :( I have been playing for about 3 years now and I just cant seem to practice and keep school work going at the same time. O well, hopefully I can pick lessons back up in a while. Not much else going on, gonna go over to my aunts house in about 30 mins to help her with her computer (hah, yes I am a nerd). Whatever though I get payed so it's all good. I skipped cisco again today, I'm just so damn rebellious. Robby and Colin wont be at school tomorrow because they will be in Lake Tahoe snowboarding, those bitches. Hmm wonder what I'll do this weekend, Megan and Tessa said they want to hang out and so did Aaron, just seems every time I hang out with Aaron we do something tremendously stupid lol. Saturday I have to go to dinner with my grand parents, which normally I don't mind since they pick good restaurants but since they are coming out to see the house (yes they still haven't seen the house we moved into like 3 1/2 years ago) they want to go to Marmalade Café, what the hell is that? I can go there anytime. Michelle told me about this really awesome concert out in Coachella that I REALLY want to go to but if no one else is going I don't think I will, being there alone would be pretty bizarre. It seriously has so many good bands though, I think there are over 20 bands going to it that I seriously love. Hopefully someone will want to go with me. Thats all for now.

1 thought| spill yer guts

Why is this music good? [09 Mar 2004|12:06am]
[ mood | amused ]

Now I can't stop listening to Maroon 5, so yea...awkward. Any who I turned in my ISP today and I think I actually managed to do OK. 12 pages in about 5 hours! Woo Woo! So anyway the weekend was alright. Friday I didn't do much, I sorta forget what happened but I just remember ending up at top of the world. I went back Saturday night with Robby and Michelle and molly. After that we ended up at Alex's house for a bit and then me and Robby went trash can bowling, that was insane. Sunday was the big fly fishing convention! So much fun, hah! I got some stickers and stuff that I am giving to Michelle and I also looked at new places to go fishing with my dad. It was more fun than I could have imagined. Poor Michelle is sick so I had to play jeopardy alone again :( Feel better sugar bear. Gonna go to school late tomorrow since I have cisco and can do whatever I want (hardass!) Just bored right now, talking to Krispy about oldies and listening to *ahem* slightly girly rock, it's chill though. Tomorrow I will have to find a ride off for lunch, I hope the Mormons will take me, or else I'm screwed. Whatever ill work it out.

2 thoughts| spill yer guts

And I'm Off... [07 Mar 2004|08:51am]
[ mood | excited ]

About to go leave for Ontario where I'm going to go to a fly fishing convention thing, W00T!!! After I get back I'll have to write pretty much my entire ISP, can I get a woot woot for procrastination? This weekend was actually not all that bad, I had fun. I'll update more when I get back, later.

1 thought| spill yer guts

Cause when you diss Dre, you dis yourself muthafucker. [03 Mar 2004|07:14pm]
[ mood | blah ]

It seems I spend most of the day listening to rap now, I haven't listened to it too much but all of the sudden the last like 2 months I can't get enough. Will almost got beaten to death because he flipped a guy off driving today, that wasn't very fun. I have to work on my ISP which is gay as hell and I cant bring myself to do it. I went to Michelle's softball game today, that was intense. Then I had to leave because my mom flipped out on me for getting a D on test in math and I came home and shes like O well it was only one test you will do better next time. I was just like wow you caused such an inconvenience for me, getting a ride back here and all just so you could tell me that? I'm getting tired of her stupid mood swings. I had to play Jeopardy alone tonight :(. Just felt like I needed an update.

2 thoughts| spill yer guts

[26 Feb 2004|03:56pm]
[ mood | tired ]

School is sooooooo tedious this week. I had so much work to do. My math teacher cried today, and hes a guy, that was pretty odd. I really don't like that class too much. Tomorrow is Friday, w00t! I think over the weekend I'm gonna go cosmic bowling with Michelle and the gang. Robby has to drive me because he owes me cash so I'll own him for this weekend. Blah just sitting at home bored but I've got some good music going so it's all right. I've been downloading tons of music recently, I think I have the biggest collection in Agoura lol, but now I'm paranoid the FBI will be breaking down the door momentarily. I need to find a job, this sitting at home is incredibly boring and I could be out making money. Meh not really much to say this entry just felt I needed an update, thats all for now.

spill yer guts

blargh [22 Feb 2004|06:22pm]
[ mood | lazy ]

Well here it is, Sunday night, and I am once again putting off my incredible amount of homework. I have to write a four paragraph essay, work on my math notebook, do Spanish work, and do some biology. Grrrr, I hate homework. Friday night sucked, I was with Will for a long time until we got a ride over to Molly's house from my bro and then everyone wanted to leave for somebody named Matt's house. Since I didn't know him I decided I would go hang out with Robby and Colin since they called me while I was at Molly's. Will needed a ride home because his stupid ass 10:30 curfew so this guy Neil offered him a ride but since Will doesn't like Neil he forced me to ask Colin and Robby to drive him home. Me and Will waited at forest cove park for Robby and Colin and when they showed up Robby blew out his tire on the curb (way to drive). So then we had to wait until like 11:45 for the triple A guy to show up and change it. It's just too bad Robby didn't have a jack or else I could have done it, I'm just handy like that. When the triple A guy finally showed up it was this Mexican guy stoned off his ass. The first thing he asked was "you kids been smoking any weed tonight?" Will did happen to be quite stoned but we told him if he said a word when the guy was there we would leave him in the park. After that I just went home. Saturday night was also some experience. Robby told me he wanted to go to this really good Mexican restaurant in Hollywood called Lucy's El Adobe, so I agreed and originally we were going to go there with Alex. Well around 5:30 Robby calls me and tells me Alex cant go because his sister is having some thing, Colin is busy, Adam is busy, Marcus is missing in action, Will is in Hermosa beach, AJ is out on a date, and Michelle and Molly and Charisse are being lame and don't want to leave Molly's house for some stupid reason. So me and Robby go alone into Hollywood. We finally get there and its like gay hangout night, me and Robby had to eat by candle light across from each other. Our waiter was gay, everyone in there was gay, and me and Robby were just like uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh no. I have never eaten so fast in my life, such an uncomfortable dinner. The food was quite good however. Then we get back into Agoura and hang out with Colin and the Mormons (Eric, Megan, and Tessa). All we did was go to 711 where I got a big chocolate milk and then we came back. Pretty boring weekend, but O well. I'm dreading going back to school this week because I have so much work, I also have to do SAT tutoring and take the test soon, sooo scary! O well, anyway I think thats all. I'll update again soon.

1 thought| spill yer guts

I live inside a never ending cycle of boredom [19 Feb 2004|04:43pm]
[ mood | bored ]

The school week is such shit. The days are ok because I get to see my friends and stuff but every day I come home from school and have NOTHING to do. Ive been sitting here for the past two hours and I'm really about to just tear my hair out. I have 1302 songs on my play list right now and somehow I cant find anything good to listen too. An interesting thing happened today in English. Apparently the whole class knows my name which is weird because I know only about 3 people in there. I had to get up in front of the class and kids were just like "yaa Mike", I was thinking uhhhhhhhhh who are you? Weird kids knowing my name, kinda creepy, I guess I'm the one being stalked now instead of vica versa, right Michelle? One of my friends wants to do something with me this weekend, the only problem is he is boring as hell. I know I sound like a jackass when I say that but honestly every time I hang out with him I'm bored in like 3 seconds. He doesn't know how to have fun. All we end up doing is watching TV or something the whole night. I realized the other day I'm such a fucking idiot. If I wasn't so lazy and got my permit when I was supposed to I could be out right now, interacting with other people, imagine that! O well, not all is bad. Tomorrow is Friday! Not sure what I'm going to do. Robby and Colin will be leaving to go to that youth group thing around 7 or 8 so I'll probably be with Will after that, maybe we will call Michelle and see whats going on over there or maybe I'll check out what Aaron or Marcus are doing. Thats all for now, Ill probably update more after the weekend.

spill yer guts

Kickin it old school [16 Feb 2004|01:17am]
[ mood | busy ]

So yea, its been a while since I updated, busy week you could say. The four day weekend has been pretty fun so far. I've mostly been hanging out with michelle, colin, robby, and will. Thursday night I was drinking at mollys house and smoking cigars, that was fun until we all got kicked out because stupid kids showed up. O well. Friday me and will went back to mollys and hung out there for a while until we had to go to that christian thing. It wasnt as bad as I tought it was gonna be, not going back again, but it wasnt terrible. They actually had break dancers, that was pretty funny cause it was like these big black guys with fubu and stuff on all praying, I dont know why it was just wierd to see. After that we went to the gas station to buy eggs and maybe egg cars but they didnt have any BUT inside they had this thing that was a whistle, drum, and bubble blower all in one (dont ask why this was at a gas station). I begged colin to buy it for me and he did, so I skipped out into the parking lot and was blowing bubbles and blowing the whistle and people where just like who the fuck is this kid. The cashier was also a drunk old man that tried to hit on my friend eric. Saturday I watched wills team play colins team in basketball, will was wearing his tiny bike shorts which was gross but pretty funny. Me and robby left to get jamba juices and I made robby spill his all over himself when I was honking his horn at random people. Sunday I went out to dinner with my grandparents at Lawrys, it was really good, I had the prime rib. Dunno what I'll do today, maybe chill with michelle and will since he will be back in town today. Robby and Colin will prolly be involved somehow too, my life is just too exciting! Ive been talking to krispy until the wee early hours pretty much everynight now, we are just too cool for school together. Dunno, Ive had a lot on the mind recently but things seem to be ok for the most part. I made the Honor Roll (im such a geek) so now I can stay out until 12:30! Gee thanks mom and dad! I guess thats about it for now.

2 thoughts| spill yer guts

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